As the country debates the motives behind these murders in Atlanta, I want you to know, I hear you. I hear both sides. What I don’t hear are YOUR motives. I know mine. I fear for my life. I fear for my children. But almost more importantly, I am ANGRY and TIRED of living in a world, in a country, in a city, in a family, in a circle of friends, in a whole life where I am dismissed and misunderstood. No, misunderstood would imply you think anything of the issues important to my life. More wholly UNKNOWN. And now, after a lifetime of me fighting for recognition of my own feelings and to get you even acknowledge my REALITY, you only might care if my life is at stake. Sadly, even when I sat on the phone this past year with my own family and friends crying in fear and frustration at the growing violence against Asians in this country, I got nothing.  I keep seeing check on the Asians in your life! Stop Asian violence! We stand with you! No one stood with me during this last year. Not one text or call. I don’t want your sympathy now. I want you to understand what the last year felt like day to day. For me. 

As the “Chinese virus” and anti-all Asian sentiment grew, so did my fear. As early in quarantine as April 2020, Travis and I decided I would no longer go out by myself. No more escapes even to the grocery store. When he went back to work, the only outings for me and my 2 turned 3 year old were walks. But I would run over and over in my mind what I would do to protect my child if someone cornered me or tried to attack me. Or even spit on me. Would I just stand in front of her stroller? Or grab her and run? Again, I’m not asking for pity. I don’t hold the title for most oppressed person in America. I just want you to hear me.

What is YOUR motive? What are the reasons or the hurt in your life that make you argue so hard against thinking this murderer was racially motivated? But I don’t need to hear your answer. I want you to ask YOURSELF. I’ve spent my life helping and educating and explaining and being the bigger person and being the token Asian for everyone around me. I’m asking you to do the work. I know all too well the response from many is who am I to ask you to do anything? I am well aware of your right to do nothing. I’ve watched you do it for 40 years. I get it doesn’t affect you. But I’ll ask you to just consider that maybe it does. That maybe being part of a larger global society or even being a more full part of your local community is a preferable way to live. Even just accessing a higher, more complex level of your mind may make your life and the lives of your children more full. I don’t ask you to come over to “my side.” I’m asking you to marinate on a higher plane of thought. I am not all the way there yet. I don’t look down on you from the highest level. I come with my own prejudices and ignorance but I challenge myself to see this about myself. I challenge my own thoughts. I do ask questions and I listen, but I don’t ask people from groups I don’t understand to teach and convince me to think as they do. I DO THE WORK.

So, I’m coming out of my year long break from social media for this. Anyone who knows me knows I spent a large part of my life actively fighting for the rights and betterment of underprivileged and targeted groups. So, I’m sorry to say I was too tired to say anything here during the strong BLM movement this last year. I haven’t posted in a year because I was suffering through and then managing a crippling anxiety disorder and panic attacks made much worse by the pandemic and the attacks I saw happening. But I was having the conversations with my family and friends. And that’s all I’m suggesting you try. Not get out and protest or donate your time or money or change your day-to-day life. Just to stop and think every once in a while from a different perspective. I know some of you find that an offensive request. I want you to know, I find THAT offensive.  
And yes, I’m posting this with a shameless appeal to your emotions with a photo of my Korean daughter. Because I don’t know how to get some of you to FEEL. And as tired as I am, I have fiercely fought for my daughter in her 3 short years more than once for different reasons. I’m never too tired to try and make her and my future son’s lives better. I’m not too tired to simply take the first step to be more thoughtful in my words and actions.  Are you? 

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